Appreciations... hmmm...

Why is it that we need to showcase ourself to earn an appreciation or get a promotion or get love or whatever...
In job we need to do exceptional work and then show case it as exceptional work so that your managers realise it is exceptional. To get the love that you want you need to showcase yourself. In school or college we have to shine above other students to grab your teachers attention.
There is no place where we can let go of our guard and just be yourself. Of course you can be yourself in school, college, work but then you will be just one among the millions.
I want to be the star and also want to be my self. I guess either I should be a prodigy or lucky or stunning in looks. But I am neither, I am just an ordinary person. So I should just pull up my sleeves and always be on a lookout to grab the moment to showcase or...
Just lower my expectations from self.

Today is a better day

Today is a better day, things are not looking as gloomy as the day gone by. The sun is shining outside and the there is a ray of hope.

I got a message from my previous landlady. Hope she will return our deposit money which she wrongly took from us.

Short term wp for my reliver is also getting filed. Hopefully before the end of the year we would be back to our soil.

I just pray that our residence permit arrives this week so that we can plan a trip to Paris and Black Forest before we return.

Today I sopke to my parents and that did take the load of my mind. Today is a better day.

Need a friend

Need a friend in life with whom we can share our innermost thoughts without seeming stupid.

When I was a kid my mother and brother were my best friends. I could share my deeepest thoughts with them. They were never judgemental about the things that I shared. But my marriage changed the equations between my blood. Some thing is holding back me now from baring my soul to them.

I tried to bare all to my partner but he is of a different world. I am now learning to hold back my thoughts from him. I am not sure if he would ever be able to guess what's going on in my mind. I hope he would one day and I also hope that then its not too late. Till then for me my hope is my small one who would one day come of age.

Or may be I should learn that there is no such one other than yourself who can be your best friend. Who will not raise an eyebrow at your deepest thoughts.

But nowI am tired and want to leave all this behind. I am tired of constantly keeping up to myself and others expectations. I just wanna give up and run away. But I can't for one part of me urges me to keep fighting. I have come so far that there is no return. The only way is to move forward till I meet the end..

Some sayings that I like

The happiest people in the world are not those who have no problems,but those who learn to live with things that are less than perfect.

This is the time. This is the place. This is the vastness. Right here is paradise. Always.

What you are aware of, you are in control of; what you are not aware of, is in control of you.

Boring Life

My life has become so boring. No excitement no ehthusiasm nothing at all. What am I doing all alone in this world, glued whole day to the world wide web? Is this the life that I wanted when I was in my college? What was the life I wanted?

When I look back to my college days I see that I had no clear idea of what I wanted to do in my life? Even today after successfully completing my studies, getting a descent job, getting married being a mother I am still not sure what is it that I want? Things just happenend to me and fortunately good things happened to me. But I am not in control of my life. How can I be in control of my life? What is meant by being in control of ones life. Why is there no one to guide me on the philosophies of life?

Where can I get answers to my questions?

A mistake or....

About five months back to be precise, in May this year I took a decision, a decision that was biased by others opinion. I decided to leave my 4.5 months old kid back home with my parents and travel abroad for work. I had an assignment for about 8 weeks in US and then later in Switzerland for about an year. My family was to join me in 6 weeks once I landed in Swiss.

I completed my assignment in US and flew back to my country for 15 days and then flew to Switzerland. Its been exactly 3 months since I landed here and till date my family is not with me and chances are that they will not be with me at least till early next year.

At this stage I have the choice to either return and be with my family or stay here and give it another shot. Wait another 2 months and then things could work out or just decide now and do what I want.

Life is not easy and complicated, they say. I believed that life is not complicated, we make it so. And I made it so, so now how do I uncomplicate it. I have performed so many actions which has entangled it to this extent. Now how do I remove the knots?

Who am I?

Who am I? That's a question many people ask themselves. I know who am I. I am an individual who is seeking an identity. Just when I feel that I have identified my identity, I have evolved and I am asking again who am I?

So the question who am I will not have a answer till the last breath when finally I would have caught up with my evolving self and triumphed. Then I can conclude who was I. Till then the answer would be who I was till the moment gone by.

So let the question who am I remain. For the moment I am a daughter, sister, wife, daughter-in-law and mother. Mother... thats one role that I am yet to play. I made certain decisions in life that did not allow me to play the role of a mother to the fullest.

Miles apart from my loved ones all alone, what am I doing? I am paying the price for greed. Greed to be responsible for our own lives. Paying the price for independence. But its not me alone whos paying the price there are others whos paying too.